"ON THE ROAD TO GLORY": AM I REALLY WHAT YOU SEE?

Saturday, June 03, 2006

AM I REALLY WHAT YOU SEE?

Wow....that's a big one. I am so trying to change my routine. I have this terrible habit of coming home, cooking dinner, doing the dishes and then just plopping somewhere for the rest of the evening. I'm a morning person...so Im up at 5:30 am and usually in bed by 9:00 pm at the latest. Plopping is not necessarily a GOOD thing. I seem to plopp everywhere. I plopp at the gallery, I plopp at home, I plopp behind my torch, I plopp in the movies, I plopp in front of the TV, I plopp in front of the computer. Lots of plopping here.....Being the intelligent person I am....I know this is not a good thing. How many things do you do that aren't a good thing? Recognition of the not good thing is a step in the right direction but we need to take it further and change.

So in an effort to change, I have actually motivated myself to get in the car and drive to the beach (not far away) and walk along the sea wall or promenade. Now this step takes a conscious effort not to drink too much wine with dinner so I can drive legally to where I want to walk. I actually drive because it really is too far to walk..... plus that's an incentive to not drink so much....you know what I mean?

So, I begin my walk......I've got my camera, I am letting the beauty flow over me, I am in perfect peace with the environment.....Just in that blissful moment, these cute kids, pierced, tattered and drugged, stagger by calling me a tourist. Why would a tourist be a profanity?? Why would being a tourist bother these kids. Why would they assume I was a tourist? and really.....what does it mean to them?

I had to laugh.....I've been where they are, tattered, drunk(not pierced) and drugged.. In my own world. I'm am so very glad that my life didnt end there, that I was able to escape, to learn to respect people, to realize that I had a responsibility to this earth, to recognize my short comings, to work on them, to find God, and to find LOVE.....to accept myself, know that I am a good person, to accept others and to try to see what they are and not what I think they should be.

Miss Rosie says.......none of us are what the other person sees or wants all the time....we is US and sometimes it's good and sometimes it's not.

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Now that I have advertised my blog in the paper as a spiritual and artistic journey of a reborn Christian and a reborn Artist....Wow what a ride...... I guess I need to give a little history so those who do not know me will understand where I was in my past life and why I am writing this now....

I married at 18, not for love, but because I was pregnant. I had a wonderful son and a miserable marriage. But I was never one to give up and besides it was too easy just to let things slide.

When I was 31 my son was hit by a car and died at the age of 13. My husband and I each proceeded to go our own way in destroying our lives. Alcohol, drugs and rock and roll.

I was lucky in that I could keep up appearances during the day and had a rewarding career in the medical field. One of my conventions brought me to Portland, Oregon and my husband and I fell in love with the Oregon Coast. The marriage was still miserable but tolerable and I saw hope in moving to Oregon to get my husband out from under the control of cocaine. From the beginning of time I have always wanted to fix everyone but myself.

At 40 we moved to Oregon to begin our new life. Seven years later my husband was dead at age 60 from a horrific disease, interstitial fibrosis. I cared for him during the progressive disease which lasted 3 years. He died on father's day. As I sat in the room that morning waiting for the undertaker, I could only feel that our son had come to take his Dad home. I should probably note that from the time my son died I had written God off. There was no answer for me as to why children have to die, especially mine. During my husband's illness, I would walk past the chapel at Providence Hospital and something would call to me to come in and I would deny it, get away from me. I want no part of a God that appears unjust. Then 9/11 happened and that really cemented it in my mind that God wasn't worth the effort letting innocent people die so unfairly.

During one of my tirades about this, to a Christian, there appeared behind him, in blazing letters....."JESUS" Somehow I accepted what had happened in my life as God's will, I could not understand, I just had to accept and believe in his mercy.....and that is the day I accepted Jesus as my savior.

Instantly I was given a person to love, I was given my new husband's two wonderful children and then grandchildren. All that I had lost was given back to me...on faith, blind faith...because we can never begin to understand God's plan......Now I was right with God but I had not let him dwell in my heart and in my consciousness and I had not yet begun a relationship with my savior.

Then my new husband's 31 year old son was diagnosed with osteosarcoma and died..... but not before he brought his Dad and me back into the Lord's house and we became re-committed to God's plan for our lives, his word and his house.

I feel so very blessed that God did not EVER give up on me and he will NEVER give up on anyone until the very end...

Giving up the remote control has not been easy since I am a control freak and have always believed I was the one directing my life. But....I can only suggest trying it....you will be amazed at what happens and the joy it brings.....