"ON THE ROAD TO GLORY": It's OK to be Me and YOU to be YOU

Saturday, July 14, 2007

It's OK to be Me and YOU to be YOU

How many years have I agonized over not desiring to be part of a group. How many years have I thought I had a problem. How many years have I made people uncomfortable because I didnt want to join in. It seems that in every instance someone has a comment......I could be sitting apart and someone says....you and your friends having a good time???? of course I am not sitting with anyone....I laugh..

I have come to understand that I relish my aloneness tempered with the love of my close family, my incredible husband and a very few close friends. I do not have a problem, the groups do not have a problem, we are just different.

So...it's OK to be ME and You to be YOU but remember....in my case....."normal is not an option"

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Now that I have advertised my blog in the paper as a spiritual and artistic journey of a reborn Christian and a reborn Artist....Wow what a ride...... I guess I need to give a little history so those who do not know me will understand where I was in my past life and why I am writing this now....

I married at 18, not for love, but because I was pregnant. I had a wonderful son and a miserable marriage. But I was never one to give up and besides it was too easy just to let things slide.

When I was 31 my son was hit by a car and died at the age of 13. My husband and I each proceeded to go our own way in destroying our lives. Alcohol, drugs and rock and roll.

I was lucky in that I could keep up appearances during the day and had a rewarding career in the medical field. One of my conventions brought me to Portland, Oregon and my husband and I fell in love with the Oregon Coast. The marriage was still miserable but tolerable and I saw hope in moving to Oregon to get my husband out from under the control of cocaine. From the beginning of time I have always wanted to fix everyone but myself.

At 40 we moved to Oregon to begin our new life. Seven years later my husband was dead at age 60 from a horrific disease, interstitial fibrosis. I cared for him during the progressive disease which lasted 3 years. He died on father's day. As I sat in the room that morning waiting for the undertaker, I could only feel that our son had come to take his Dad home. I should probably note that from the time my son died I had written God off. There was no answer for me as to why children have to die, especially mine. During my husband's illness, I would walk past the chapel at Providence Hospital and something would call to me to come in and I would deny it, get away from me. I want no part of a God that appears unjust. Then 9/11 happened and that really cemented it in my mind that God wasn't worth the effort letting innocent people die so unfairly.

During one of my tirades about this, to a Christian, there appeared behind him, in blazing letters....."JESUS" Somehow I accepted what had happened in my life as God's will, I could not understand, I just had to accept and believe in his mercy.....and that is the day I accepted Jesus as my savior.

Instantly I was given a person to love, I was given my new husband's two wonderful children and then grandchildren. All that I had lost was given back to me...on faith, blind faith...because we can never begin to understand God's plan......Now I was right with God but I had not let him dwell in my heart and in my consciousness and I had not yet begun a relationship with my savior.

Then my new husband's 31 year old son was diagnosed with osteosarcoma and died..... but not before he brought his Dad and me back into the Lord's house and we became re-committed to God's plan for our lives, his word and his house.

I feel so very blessed that God did not EVER give up on me and he will NEVER give up on anyone until the very end...

Giving up the remote control has not been easy since I am a control freak and have always believed I was the one directing my life. But....I can only suggest trying it....you will be amazed at what happens and the joy it brings.....